Withdrawing Self-Love: My Tryst with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
A deeply personal account of undiscussed parts of my life
Hello
Kallol Poetry Readers,
Hope you all are doing amazing. Today’s read is a tad bit personal for me as I would be discussing the single most hindrance in my life my OCD situation. This disease has taught me calm, adjustment, humility, and many other things, but moreso destroyed and ruptured my self-confidence. It triggered my anxiety to unfathomable proportions often bordering on the territory of breakdown. I want to address you all personally in this newsletter today, before starting my story I would like to point out that a person facing any mental health breakdown loses touch with himself. What one intends to do gets filtered into the air and vanishes. Instead, a force that is grotesque and evil takes over someone's intellectual faculties. We as humans, people of the earth need compassion and purity in our hearts to understand the grieved the time to give them their explanation.
With OCD the variant I suffered from was Pure O which meant it was only obsessions, and there are two ways to understand Pure O.
🧚 One interpretation says Pure O is just obsessions and no compulsive actions following the obsessions exist, and it all happens in the mind. It’s a stage prior to delusion the difference between the latter is the person does not know the assumptions that they are having are false, but with Pure O people know something is wrong, and that raises anxiety levels.
🧚 The other interpretation says Pure O is a nonaction OCD where compulsions happen within the mind to relieve that doubt and images. The compulsions include patterned thoughts that you do during an obsessive thinking episode. For instance, supposedly someone dreams about killing their baby, and that dream stayed as a thought, they will automatically think about God in the next moment. So, internally an obsession has a compulsion to follow.
💞The lowest points of my life?
🍁 I suffered from OCD in relation to reading and writing and my obsessions were too hard to tackle. It took away my love for reading and writing. My thoughts just felt out of place, it started with an extreme numbing feeling in my palms and then led to many thoughts and then led to a very bad kind of concoction that I would think so much and my brain would cause me suffering and pain. In major stressful situations, I was giving up. I somehow gave my exams and graduated high school. But I was very depressed and almost on the verge of giving up. Food became an escape. I would eat lots to push pain and that inflated me.
I grew fat during those times. I could not go to class as I was out of place and could not concentrate. I was not able to finish my essays on either homework or exams. I had this thought of “I can’t write” running like a gazillion times. And that creates a harsh self-confidence breaking. I avoided friends, people and was in a shell. I went to a psychologist he told me the generic device and asked me to come for aroma therapy but I had nightmares of how cut loose he treated me and that shattered my last ounce of will to change the status quo.
💞What did I do?
💖I could not do anything. I waited for it to naturally go away but it did not. I was in Delhi, I suffered a whole lot. During COVID I came back home and visited a nearby mental ward and expressed my issue while the Psychiatrist gave me good advice and gave me SSRI Sertraline for consumption.
💞What were the toughest times during this journey?
💖Many tough times have existed. I was an average student until middle school academically. I got my calling in high school and started getting attention for my debating qualities. I took part in a debate competition in our class. That was the first time I felt a sweet release of ecstasy. I took part in assembly hall programs, speech, poetry, and extempore. I was also improving academically, I had a deep interest in Social Sciences and English literature I was getting good grades. Then in the second last year of high school, I was awarded the head boy title in our school. All of these started changing when I faced symptoms of depersonalization and derealization. I tried a lot to fight the problem, but could not study at the same pace and I was growing bitter every successive day. Also, coming from a conservative nation with no prior knowledge of mental health I could not go and tell my parents about my issue. Something within me was just off. The problem started in the month of August 2013 and now it’s 2023,. You can imagine 10 years’ worth of absolute devastation happened I just took it all in. Could not make friends in college when I was in Delhi for college. I did do well at the year’s end in High School and had to work harder to sustain my repute. But all formations of my superstructure crumbled like a house of cards. I was just sad and did not know how to find closure. I would question so much about everything hence these were the hard times:
🙏When I was trapped in obsessive thinking loops
💓When I was teased or taunted for my increasing weight
🥀When I could not perform to the best of my ability
🙏When I had to endure a sleepless night
💓To survive the night before tests
🥀To endure the night before paper assignment submissions
🙏Trying to deal with the sadness that is unfathomable
Wish things would have been easier.
Yours affectionately,
Kallol Poetry..🌸💐🍁👥🗣🫂
I feel people around you perceive that Valentine’s Day is about love,
adulation, and feeling jitters in your hearts, if at all you can love, try to love yourself more than anyone else. This simple perspective, ideal, and thought never had as much gravity on my mind as I would have wanted it to have. I loved everyone and never myself, and interestingly if you ask me what should be that one notorious enemy I had to endure in my life, I would have disparagingly said myself.
In scattered parts, life has been kind to me, but it has been unkind too. OCD is that one little blot that I would want to forget but I cannot. It is hard, It is painful, yet it was the stage of life and growth period for me. With every passing time life felt worthless back then, to be frank, it felt like nothing for the most part. I was dealing with endless ruminations like a soul stuck in a cycle of birth and rebirth and yet not getting the relief to be able to experience enlightenment. The tumultuous extremely unsolvable issue led to disastrous mistakes of not addressing it or trying to address it in a manner insufficiently to be able to solve the problem at its roots.
The onset: Devoiding myself to be my own Valentine
I still remember the evening I was scrolling through my notebook trying to read for the exam for my last year in high school.
I have never been an extremely academically ordained kid to achieve greater heights in life. However, in the later years of my school, I fell in love with the subject of Social Science.
It did help me to build a fundamental base for the academic pursuits that were suitable for me in the long run. In India, the subject of social science, at least back then in my time in 2014 comprised 5 subjects, that includes the subjects of History, Geography, Political Science or Civics, Economics, and actually just for the sake of making it five, the skidmark on a depressed old tiled mine, Disaster Management. Disaster Management though was not disastrous in real terms but I personally or for that matter, the entire Academic circles kept it on the other side of the shore never meant to return. I mean the subject did not gel up well with other purist attributes of Social Studies or Social Science or Humanistic Studies whatever you want to call it. But I was up for it and it did float my boat.
With this unending love for the subject during my last two years of my school, for people outside of India not familiar with the Indian schooling system, it factors in the format of 3+10+2+3 or 4-year basic academic training. That means you start with 3 years of preparatory schooling and then enroll from 1st to the 10th standard in a senior secondary school, after finishing your 10th some institutions offer +2 also known as 11th and 12th in school or an Inter College also known as Junior College. After that, you either pursue a 3-year degree course in liberal sciences, arts, commerce, etc, or a 4-year course for technical education like engineering or architecture, depending upon your choice. In the last two years of your school, you are meant to select one of the three specializations belonging to the arts/humanities/social science stream, commerce/management/finance/business stream, and science (technical/nontechnical) stream.
Just like how the world of expansive materialists looks down upon subjects involving literary theory, sociological concepts, humans, and their behavioral patterns; the same was the case here.
But I loved studying my subjects and never paid heed or gave bones to what others thought about me.
One fine day while dwelling on one of my favorite subjects, I felt an unending ease in my mind. For a moment all of the thoughts in my head stalled for some reason, I went blank. I couldn’t feel my head nor I was able to read for the exam. I have never been not so prepared for an exam as that particular day and it freaked me out because I was trying to process the semantics and text in front of me but I just could not. I was ruminating severely and was having constant panic and anxiety attacks from uneasy thoughts. I went to the exam hall and thoughtless I went, I did not think about the incident, did relatively well and that was the end of that exam session which was just one out of the entire sessions we had to do before sitting for the final high school examination also known as Boards in India.
For many days, I did not fear what exactly was the outer experience and what it led me to become. But with time I became overly conscious of my words repeated negative thoughts would cloud my mind.
I would redo what I speak, read and write a gazillion times even if it's alright. Things spiraled and bordered on neurosis. From a typical, conventional, rooted Indian family I did not know what to say or do. I wanted to study but could not, I wanted to write but could not, there were too many thoughts acting as feedback, and repeated anxiety attacks came with those thoughts. I prepared my schedule earlier yet I could not study on my own terms, I started talking to myself and used force to avoid those thoughts.
The uneasy thoughts lingered on, I was with a girl at that time which was a serious relationship but we broke off due to this issue just a few months before recently. My problems had a bearing on that. It was her swift to-and-fro assistance that helped me. It was her kind words and humility that enabled me to stick to faith and believe good things will come and I will be happy again. But things were only going at a trajectory far worse than that.
The Downfall: Hating my Valentine
The last years in school were supposedly thought of as glorious days of anyone’s life. But it felt like a nightmare to me with every passing day, I was miserable, bitter, and extremely dejected. All good things happened to me during that time, I discovered my interests just a few years before, and I wanted to discuss and stimulate my cognition in class.
But the problem I was in, acted like a bone stuck to my throat. Despite having everything, from repute, prestige, an identity, and a vision I was lifeless and bitter.
Fortunately, with hard work and extreme rejection of my mind-numbing thoughts, I struggled and got good grades if not the best. It was during this time that I was at my weakest and lowest point. I shifted to the Indian capital to do a degree course in History which was a subject that I pretty much liked before the rumination and obsessive thinking. I went with a clean slate and despite all the thought obstructions and panic, I kept my hopes steady for things to improve. It did not, in fact, it took a trajectory that I could never imagine. I felt nothing for a long time. I had thoughts running over my head. I had extreme self-esteem issues and always acted as a people pleaser, I was just compelled to be like that. Small things acted on me and gave me a hard time. I would rethink what others said and felt and the self-esteem issue was always in the boiling pot for me, but with time I started to go deep into that zone of self-loathing and hating.
For the most part, I did not feel like I deserved love. I saw my problem as a consequence of bad things. I wanted to excel and grow, read the best of the best books, and accomplish something worthwhile.
But depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking about themes relating to me doing an error, mistake, and not deserving of anything ruminating to neurosis crushed me. Things became more and more abstract, college and the place I was in had to offer the best that is there for my growth, prosperity, and well-being, and yet I was not happy.
I had a shield up on my head making it difficult for me to be happy about myself, I was very self-deprecating. My then-girlfriend helped me through those tough days. I did not have the courage to ask for help.
The same struggle then started regurgitating in my academic performance. For me, marks were secondary and basic, I was just sad that I could not read so many books that I could have read during those days. That dearth will still carve a hollow hole in the heart. I tried going out with friends both in my dorm (student residence centers are often called ‘Hostels’ and ‘Paying Guests’ in India) but with time I avoided that. For the grace of God during that time I made friends with extremely nice people. Two mates that were seniors to me would stay with me throughout, one left the dorm quite early and settled nearby and the other left during those last years of my college. With extreme rumination and constantly doubting behavior I was looking for help nonconfrontationally. And that was the worst mistake I could have done.
With a broken heart and sorrow-filled eyes, I was looking at myself and my pain. Until then I have watched almost every possible material there is on the internet. I have predicted every possible disease it is available for commentary on Youtube. At first, I thought I had Alzheimer's and Dementia. I knew I had anxiety attacks but why? It was never answered to my mental clarity. I have watched million self-help videos. Read tons of books forcefully and tried doing affirmations, and meditations, and started Yoga to see results. Nothing was working, the anxiety then took a toll on my body.
Food became an escape then, I would start munching on junk when the time came and I felt that intense sorrow. I gained a lot of weight and I was depressed for days and months at a stretch.
One time I even tried meeting a Psych for my problem but that person was just a Quack. He took money from me and gave me generic advice about healthy living and said, it was all in my head. I internalized and normalized my struggles. Yet not being able to perform at my optimum then made me question that the normalization is not real.
These times of intense conflict and self-dissonance helped me carve out pieces of myself that are extremely crafty but products of sorrow and pain. I began my writing journey with a lot of clutter and sorrow. But I felt it was different and came from a genuine place, I won’t lie that it gave me peace but it was the only thing that gave me hope moving forward in this dark abyss.
With eyelids close, College started to near its end. With bitter, sweet, and half-filled memories I started applying here and there for a Master's. Because of turning introspectional and finding deeper reasons, I felt I had explored my creative side I wanted an experience of a cross-sectional film/media and journalism school (more creative aspects of journalism, documentary making, and photojournalism) I did clear a written test for a top school in this matter quite reputed around the horizon, affordable from India.
But during an interview I really messed up big, I had an on-site panic attack and behaved haphazardly and it cut my chances of getting that prestigious seat. That pushed me to the near end and I was depressed for months. My problems now became not my problem but it was interfering with my future.
With time I dealt with it and bounced back, took a break, worked on myself, and took control of my situation. I had a free year and a clean slate in my life to feed. I ate well and spent time with street dogs. Started meditating and centering myself. I also became a daily yoga practitioner, and then things started to change with occasional hiccups. The next year I got admission to a Journalism diploma School and spent a few years following streets subject and doing lots of photography work.
Though I thought the course was subpar I went to one of my first love outings of that time, for a documentary film festival. The ideas coalesced with me and I stayed out there introspecting on the craft. I recited poems and even performed monologues back then in the events happening in that space. It really helped me but it still did not address my problem completely.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was a rookie writer famously titled a sub-editor in a news portal. During the work pressures, I had a resurgence of the issue and then I shifted back home. Just 2 years early from today’s recorded date, I visited a mental health institution that is just 2–3 km away from home. I was diagnosed with purely Obsessional OCD, I did therapy and also take my medicines regularly. People who take SSRIs will know about antidepressants, I take 300mg of Sertraline on a daily basis to cope with my problem. I am happy now and feel much better.
The redemption: I will always be my own loving Valentine
I am sorry if I have bored all of you with such a long-ass article.
I have nothing much to say to you other than just a few things which I feel I should have done earlier. I never accepted I had a problem until 8 years later. Things need not be so heavy for you. You need to be strong and resilient and seek help even if your parents do not understand. I love my parents to death, but they do not have any idea about OCD, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, etc.
In the developing world mental health issues when existing at their extremes leading to neurosis, delusion, or even Schizophrenia from the basal problem, people suffering from such diseases are often seen as possessed. It's hard to come out.
However please do come out since just like any other bad disease, if untreated maybe it won’t ever be treated.
And love thyself, is the mantra you should follow this Valentine's Day, especially for people who are in deep anguish and are having constant bad days, please guys love yourself, If you can’t love your own being How come you will share that with any other person?
Always be hopeful in the worst of circumstances, remember things change. I was supported quite a lot by my girlfriend at that time. And we went through a lot because of my issue and she also suffers from intense PCOS. So, we were like hotheads fighting every time but at the back of our minds, we always knew about our love. Things did change and we broke up but it does not take away the support system she was during my deranged days. And that can be another teaching, always confide your deeper fears to a person you deeply trust.
Remember you are always meant to do impressive things. Do not buy into the story that you are just an accident, but believe that you are beyond an accident, a being made with God’s nurturing and loving capabilities. Bad times fade too, you need to hop into the ring and fight till you win. And you will win, just have hope since you are the force of truth here.
Draw a page from a global Pacifist Mahatma Gandhi’s life also known as Gandhiji out here in India. His policies are utopian and impressively subtle to understand. He tries to embed a philosophy of nonviolence to move perpetrators of violence.
His idealism or satyagraha was a concept where he felt and assumed for a better part of his life that every being in the most unforeseen circumstances had a higher being, hence, he believed that he is addressing the moral conscientiousness of the other person who may be violent in character but pure as a living entity. The purity of entities that they both share has to be appealed to urge the other party to stop subjugating, exploiting, and excessively dominating the weaker unarmed men, women, and children.
So, mental health is an outer layer conditioned in you. You have to have faith that you are more than these strange anecdotes of extreme polarities.
Conclusion
I have nothing to say other than appealing to everyone out there who is sad, having a bad day, or deciding to quit playing the game of life. Wait, halt, and analyze, are you okay? at this very moment, if not then why not? Have you tried it all? What if the cure is still out there and you just need that sense of sight to see it and experience it? Be very kind to yourself when doing unkind things to yourself. For even the Godliness in you cannot be traumatized by the conditioned self-abusive man in you.
To all my readers of Kallol Poetry,
Thanks a lot for taking out some of your precious personal time and reading my material. I could not be more happier!
Thank you for sharing your story with mental illness and also that road that led you to health. Your explanation of what OCD was, was especially helpful. Your statement about always loving everyone else, but not yourself is all too familiar. I discovered that too as a young woman. It was a revelation. How could I love everyone but myself! That's when I thought, what if my own daughter grows up to feel this way, what would I say to her? That's when I learned to Mother myself, and we've had a wonderful relationship ever since.